:) :) This is me smiling for having such a great day yesterday besides calling in to work I was able to spend time with my son :) Which by the way he is the cutest thing walking around...I love just watching him walk with his little jeans and hearing him mummble. Gosh and how happy he is to see me!! He walked into my room yesterday and laughed so hard rubbed his face into mine :) He loved that mom was home :) :) BOY he is good at making his mom feel like the most important person to him:)
Anyway, I have to thank my sister for being so good to him. She is going to be a great mom! She has so much energy and can watch Michael, clean the house and cook. Crazy woman :) LOVE YOU SIS!
So Michael and I played a little then we went on our rollerblade ride with Amber and played outside a bit which he loves! Went out to eat where he threw a little fit and then to walmart where he needed to walk around and give things off the shelves to people :) He loves the makeup department. ha I need to get him a man in his life! lol
He was able to take his nap and I was able to read my scriptures and really study them. Which let me tell you these books can get really confusing! lol I am so happy that people kept records so we could learn from them today :) I am so happy that our Heavenly Father has this perfect plan and that we can trust in him to guide our little precious lives. :) It really comforts me and not just in times of sorrow but happiness :)
I love listening to music where they speak of Jesus and our Father. I want Michael to ALWAYS feel that peace from the Gospel no matter who comes into his life no matter what happens to him. So so Yesterday I completed my goal of focusing on what matters :) Still struggled in some aspects but we are working on those. D
Day 2 I am at work and exhausted but after I am goign to a Halloween party. I love My family and Friends and when they are not there for me I hope to still be there for them. So yeah I want to keep going but I have to get back to work.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
The Next Samari?!
8/29/09 is when i wrote this... A DREAM that i had and decided to write down for some reason i didnt read all of it..Aftan you are so fun wiht your dreams...lol
Ok, First of all Aftan has always had the craziest dreams intense action packed very REAL! I love it! Last night I woke up so happy and entertained I felt like I was sleeping forever and I woke up at 10:30am thinking I was gonna be late. :) Now, that I wake up and get ready to write this I forget most of it so I will try my best. I used to have a dream book that I wrote some of my dreams in but I think it got burned in the fire.
Ok, First of all Aftan has always had the craziest dreams intense action packed very REAL! I love it! Last night I woke up so happy and entertained I felt like I was sleeping forever and I woke up at 10:30am thinking I was gonna be late. :) Now, that I wake up and get ready to write this I forget most of it so I will try my best. I used to have a dream book that I wrote some of my dreams in but I think it got burned in the fire.
So it starts at work, great old IMFT. I am taking passdown and working hard. Some of the machines are more high-tech. All I can remember is I think I was sneaking candy and animals in there and Tyson was there and someone else. Jay, later cam into the picture and we went to a gas station to hide from something and I went in taking my time couldnt decide which candy I wanted. I finally came out with tons :) Ha I believe we were planning on sleeping in the car! Dang i wish I could remember! Anyway, so then at some point I am on my own home and I am driving back to Fairview when all of a sudden I am in Fairview at a wedding! Infact, it was David Apgood's daughters wedding! So its in this little room in the church and he is about to show his daughter a video he made of her! It made me cry at the beginning it was her as a baby and I looked over and she was crying he was too so i decided to join in. I was in a hat and then black pants and a shirt:) Yeah i know perfect for a wedding :) Ok so I am just watching the movie when I see this man from a distance. This same man has been in several of my dreams! :) well a couple. AND HE TAKES ME BREATHE away each time. I am not a person to get into guys or check them out but this guy seems so perfect for me and in all my other dreams hes not interested in me. So anyway, this dream he was:( but he was the groom;) ha Sucks! SO i kept asking everyone who is that? Oh hes the groom. I was so upset, are you sure I would say. So all of a sudden he comes to sit down by me and we get to talking and we get along hes athletic GOOD lookin and I am just hating that he is the Groom. Well, the fact he was tlaking to me at his own wedding when there is a video playing of his wife turned me off big time. And then David would say be quiet or shhhh. And he would make a loud comment back like its just editing. So then I was like ok I better go. My outfit changed to my mom's green scrubs and my black long softball socks. The scrubs were on the shorter side so when I sat it looked REALLY funny everyones attention was on me cuz I fell off my seat and then I stood up said something funny and left. I left with this girl that I did really go to highschool with her name was Jennifer. We hop in her red corvett and head up Fairview Canyon just talking about the past. THen all of a sudden she pulls over sharply on the side of the road and starts building a fire. I turn into a man ACTOR...the one that plays on Transformers! Can't remember his name and she starts talking to me hands me a jacket cuz its getting late. Later to find out theres earwiggs all over the jacket...YUCK! Anyway, all of a sudden she pulls me to the ground and says be quiet. Ok, well these BIG guys that look like they came out of the movie 300!! With these huge swords and they said 7 Days and your ours!! Then they left I was like what the heck?! I kept asking her what they were talking about and she wouldnt reply. She just pulls me into the little wood shack up in the mountains it had like a waterfall in the middle of it. Then she starts making out with me but then I kind of became her then I was just watching like a movie. But to keep it PG I must stop here. In the morning I wake up and I look at my leg and its ripping like stretch marks it was painful and grose! My head felt like it had tight braids in it. BTW i wake up as a girl! Then I start to get up and realize I have these stiches from my feet up to my legs I lift up my shirt and its around my belly. In my head I am thinking they took my baby. But in my dream I didnt have one. So then I touch my head and these stiches are all over my body!!! I wake her tell me whats going on. She explains to me that she has been a live for several hundred years or so and every 7 days she dies over and over again! And that last night when driving she was day dreaming about one of her past visions and crashed! I had died and now I will die every 7 days over and over again forever!!! So this explains why she was SO GOOD at certain things..Ha, so she takes into town into this factory of some sort where people are building weapons. This one guy kind of attacks me with a knife and she says here picks up a plastic sword and wants me to fight this big fat guy in the corner. So I went over there and I was ok at it but nothing spectacular then she takes off. Then I realize that each one of us has special techniques and mine wasnt the lifesaver. Mine were these hand swords! So this guy swipes my face with this hand knife thing and I take it from him and I natural do all these tricks with it. I amaze myself and then they back up like ok were not fighting her. Well then I go down further with this empty hall and fight this other guy. He slices my leg and I just keep fighting hardcore. In the fight we both lose our hand knifes so then I pick up these CDS he had and throw them at him. He was doing the same but it wasnt doing much I got him right in the neck! It severed it half way through when I told him dont make me throw another one! As I was leaving I jumped in my car and went ouside saw this woman that was after me trying to kill me but the whole dream I was running from her fighting people it was crazy then I went back to my other part of the dream when I return to work left with a coworker to go to the courthouse with Stephanie my best friend to file for a divorce. On the way this woman hits into our car and drives off. I was so mad! I get out told Rob why didn't you get out call the cops write her license anything Let me drive I could of caught up to her! I was so mad! we go to the courthouse and this another attractive guy was there.
Depression
So it is actually October 22! Michael is 13 months!!! YAY! :) I wrote this 10/13/09 almost a year ago but never published it...I am going to publish everything cuz i hate that its unfinished..lol I am funny like that and i think it is also personal and something that I dont struggle with anymore!! I think its sad while reading this that I felt that way...but it was in my life and thoughts at the time..Here is.
I so hope things start looking up or I start looking up more. I have to be straight up honest with myself here.
Life is so tough! I need a new hobby being inside all the time!! I was spending too much on facebook and realized just how much that thing can take over your life. I could be reading or learning. I like the fact I can see pic of my family or see what there up too. But I dont need to be on it all the time!!! So i cancelled it :) And i honestly do find time to clean a little more cook a little more. Go on walks.... I would challange everyone who reads this to do the same thing. If its not facebook if its just the computer or tv ...Try restricted yourself from it. Try something new:)
I am the girl you can find out on the softball field or out with friends :( I live right by the softball fields at UVU at it KILLS me that I can't be playing right now. I have been offered to go play down in St. George :( But I can't play cant do much! :( but be inside all day and healing from having a csection. On that note...The only thing beautiful from having a baby is looking at my sweet baby each day. BUT BOY lets talk about what happens to your body :( My skin is numb on my belly and stretched. Up top doesnt look so pretty either. Not too mention how soft and gummy the rest of my body looks from not doing ANTHING from pregnancy! I really hope I can get some what in shape. I mean I am now in my regular clothes but it doesnt fit the same...FIts but not the same....gotta love it!!! Not too mention my hormones!!! I feel like the ugliest girl on earth. Inside and out! ha, ALRIGHT....I hope to look back at this blog and see that I have come a long way! Cuz right now I feel like i have come to the tallest mountain out there and wondering how am I gonna make it up...
But now the depressing part....I have been depressed for almost 4 years now....and a few times have i thought about ending it. Well,two nights ago was one of them. I hate to say this but I am sure most of us have thought about it...and if not then your lucky! So there I am laying in bed 2,3,4 in the morning holding the sweetest thing in the world to me! Wondering how I could end my life and make it look like an accident....Then I look down see my son and think how selfish is that...he needs me! I dont want him to know his mother killed herself. So he could be adopted then I can' MY GOSH i sat there ALL NIGHT crying thinking how this can go over well!!! THen I thought Aftan if you can end your life right now...then you can give your life to God. Do nothing but that!!!! The rewards will be better and then I dont have to think about ANYTHING else but pleasing one person!!! Anyway, here I am today crazy as ever....depressed as ever and wondering when is it gonna end. I dont mean to be unhappy I dont WANT to be unhappy....its seriously in my head....I am far away from God and taking baby steps in the right direction...but I have another issue....and I also discovered it yesterday! Here goes
I think I have commitment issues and maybe thats why I have involved myself with people that I know I can't get married to right away. Or if something is looking good a negative thought pops in my head. With that I also have a hard time with letting people go and starting new!! It's driving me insane.... So I am seeking help for both issues and I really hope I make it through this hard time successfully and one day wake up fully HAPPY with myself! So if something else goes bad or something else hurts me I can walk away HAPPY because I AM HAPPY with ME!!! I really HOPE:) I have good days I have good thoughts...but then I have these days...and PEOPLE there horrible!
I so hope things start looking up or I start looking up more. I have to be straight up honest with myself here.
Life is so tough! I need a new hobby being inside all the time!! I was spending too much on facebook and realized just how much that thing can take over your life. I could be reading or learning. I like the fact I can see pic of my family or see what there up too. But I dont need to be on it all the time!!! So i cancelled it :) And i honestly do find time to clean a little more cook a little more. Go on walks.... I would challange everyone who reads this to do the same thing. If its not facebook if its just the computer or tv ...Try restricted yourself from it. Try something new:)
I am the girl you can find out on the softball field or out with friends :( I live right by the softball fields at UVU at it KILLS me that I can't be playing right now. I have been offered to go play down in St. George :( But I can't play cant do much! :( but be inside all day and healing from having a csection. On that note...The only thing beautiful from having a baby is looking at my sweet baby each day. BUT BOY lets talk about what happens to your body :( My skin is numb on my belly and stretched. Up top doesnt look so pretty either. Not too mention how soft and gummy the rest of my body looks from not doing ANTHING from pregnancy! I really hope I can get some what in shape. I mean I am now in my regular clothes but it doesnt fit the same...FIts but not the same....gotta love it!!! Not too mention my hormones!!! I feel like the ugliest girl on earth. Inside and out! ha, ALRIGHT....I hope to look back at this blog and see that I have come a long way! Cuz right now I feel like i have come to the tallest mountain out there and wondering how am I gonna make it up...
But now the depressing part....I have been depressed for almost 4 years now....and a few times have i thought about ending it. Well,two nights ago was one of them. I hate to say this but I am sure most of us have thought about it...and if not then your lucky! So there I am laying in bed 2,3,4 in the morning holding the sweetest thing in the world to me! Wondering how I could end my life and make it look like an accident....Then I look down see my son and think how selfish is that...he needs me! I dont want him to know his mother killed herself. So he could be adopted then I can' MY GOSH i sat there ALL NIGHT crying thinking how this can go over well!!! THen I thought Aftan if you can end your life right now...then you can give your life to God. Do nothing but that!!!! The rewards will be better and then I dont have to think about ANYTHING else but pleasing one person!!! Anyway, here I am today crazy as ever....depressed as ever and wondering when is it gonna end. I dont mean to be unhappy I dont WANT to be unhappy....its seriously in my head....I am far away from God and taking baby steps in the right direction...but I have another issue....and I also discovered it yesterday! Here goes
I think I have commitment issues and maybe thats why I have involved myself with people that I know I can't get married to right away. Or if something is looking good a negative thought pops in my head. With that I also have a hard time with letting people go and starting new!! It's driving me insane.... So I am seeking help for both issues and I really hope I make it through this hard time successfully and one day wake up fully HAPPY with myself! So if something else goes bad or something else hurts me I can walk away HAPPY because I AM HAPPY with ME!!! I really HOPE:) I have good days I have good thoughts...but then I have these days...and PEOPLE there horrible!
Wake up Call
I have always kept a journal for that I am grateful that I can look back and see where I was in life how I grew or how stupid I was or how awesome I was :) I have always thought of my life as something great! I knew it would grow into something great I knew I would make good decisions in life...I knew who I wanted to be! :) I have learned a lot...but this i have not. Trusting fully in the Lord. I have a lot of insecurities.
Obviously, in life there is something called LOVE :) Oh how great it can be when you find two people that view and cherish this word or action or whatever you want to think of it alike and they make it grow into something bigger! Such as FAMILY that they protect from this world and men and sins and Satins continuous pull on us to be unhappy like him. This I do know. Love can walk into your life shaped in lust, desire, jealousy, beauty, spiritual. It can make us do crazy things..lol All types of "love" ..
I am old fashioned you could say I think Steph Sego says it best. "I'm a girl with a vintage soul who believes in the times when there was always an excuse to dress up; when a woman was treated like a lady and acted like one too; when saying "I do" meant forever; and when an individual didn't have weddings as frequently as birthdays"
So I dont care if someone looks at me and thinks I am crazy for it..but I do believe you can love someone like that and it only gets better. But you have to be in the right state of mind and living life accordingly to recieve such love.
So heres the wake up call!!! HA I am 25 single with a handsome son who more than anything wants to see him happy! I want him to be raised in a home with love and respect and good values that doesnt allow the world to decide if something is ok or not...or the "norm". But everyday I am living on the fence I am not going anywhere but further away from whats on the other side...
I dont believe just because you are able to create life that you can raise life! Giving birth doesnt make you an eternal mother or a great one. Same with the father. Your parents are those who you are raised by who love you and make honestly the biggest impact in your life. Many peoples life are the way they are because of their upbringing. Some are able to change it others struggle each day. Because of this I am pretty strict to whom I will date. I want them to love Michael as their own and I know its possible. :)
So I dont want it to seem that marriage is the only thing on my mind cuz really its not its actually the furtherst thing...lol i am scared of it...Mainly just my life...But I want FAMILY! That is why we are here! That is where happiness stems from! Well, family stems for God. Anyway, last night it just hit me hard....I need to do something about these feelings I have for people and these stupid thoughts of being someone I am not!!!! It is time to step up I am sick of just wrighting about it...so Here is the thing...I am making a goal ONE day! Just one day I am going to focus all my energies..lol to making my life the best possible. I am going to be recording everyhthing on here cuz its easier to type then write. My son excites me to live better I want him to make good decisions in life by thinking what would my mom do or what would she say...whats gonna make me the happiest.
I have also met a few people recently that I thought HECK these guys are fun! I laugh and have even thought of myself drunk and laughing just "hanging" out having a good time right!!! these are only thoughts people but I am afraid they will be come reality if i dont DO something....and if anyone knows me they know I love to laugh..but choosing good friends are a BIG part in what direction you wanna go in life...not even want to but what will make you the happiest. Anyway, I need to be there friend but hanging out with them would only handicap me right now. Its 6:30 in the morning and I am going to take a shower and do some studying :) One day at a time to reaching my goals:)
I have made these goals before but get so side tracked by friends facebook life!! Even if i dont feel it I am gonna do it! And one day it will be so easy for me to live it!
Obviously, in life there is something called LOVE :) Oh how great it can be when you find two people that view and cherish this word or action or whatever you want to think of it alike and they make it grow into something bigger! Such as FAMILY that they protect from this world and men and sins and Satins continuous pull on us to be unhappy like him. This I do know. Love can walk into your life shaped in lust, desire, jealousy, beauty, spiritual. It can make us do crazy things..lol All types of "love" ..
I am old fashioned you could say I think Steph Sego says it best. "I'm a girl with a vintage soul who believes in the times when there was always an excuse to dress up; when a woman was treated like a lady and acted like one too; when saying "I do" meant forever; and when an individual didn't have weddings as frequently as birthdays"
So I dont care if someone looks at me and thinks I am crazy for it..but I do believe you can love someone like that and it only gets better. But you have to be in the right state of mind and living life accordingly to recieve such love.
So heres the wake up call!!! HA I am 25 single with a handsome son who more than anything wants to see him happy! I want him to be raised in a home with love and respect and good values that doesnt allow the world to decide if something is ok or not...or the "norm". But everyday I am living on the fence I am not going anywhere but further away from whats on the other side...
I dont believe just because you are able to create life that you can raise life! Giving birth doesnt make you an eternal mother or a great one. Same with the father. Your parents are those who you are raised by who love you and make honestly the biggest impact in your life. Many peoples life are the way they are because of their upbringing. Some are able to change it others struggle each day. Because of this I am pretty strict to whom I will date. I want them to love Michael as their own and I know its possible. :)
So I dont want it to seem that marriage is the only thing on my mind cuz really its not its actually the furtherst thing...lol i am scared of it...Mainly just my life...But I want FAMILY! That is why we are here! That is where happiness stems from! Well, family stems for God. Anyway, last night it just hit me hard....I need to do something about these feelings I have for people and these stupid thoughts of being someone I am not!!!! It is time to step up I am sick of just wrighting about it...so Here is the thing...I am making a goal ONE day! Just one day I am going to focus all my energies..lol to making my life the best possible. I am going to be recording everyhthing on here cuz its easier to type then write. My son excites me to live better I want him to make good decisions in life by thinking what would my mom do or what would she say...whats gonna make me the happiest.
I have also met a few people recently that I thought HECK these guys are fun! I laugh and have even thought of myself drunk and laughing just "hanging" out having a good time right!!! these are only thoughts people but I am afraid they will be come reality if i dont DO something....and if anyone knows me they know I love to laugh..but choosing good friends are a BIG part in what direction you wanna go in life...not even want to but what will make you the happiest. Anyway, I need to be there friend but hanging out with them would only handicap me right now. Its 6:30 in the morning and I am going to take a shower and do some studying :) One day at a time to reaching my goals:)
I have made these goals before but get so side tracked by friends facebook life!! Even if i dont feel it I am gonna do it! And one day it will be so easy for me to live it!
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