It's down to only a few weeks before I get to see my bundle of baby boy. I have only one more work week and then I can lay in bed all day and be able to breath! :) And wait for his BIRTHDAY :)
I have the Craziest dream about you son and more than anything I JUST hope that you are HEALTHY in every way! I feel the excitement of christmas eve waiting for santa to bring you gifts and spend time with the family. In a way I dont want you to come out and I will miss you! :(
I havent been able to enjoy him completely and it breaks my heart I feel like I have let him down already. Overall, its been a good experience but its been nothing what I would hope a pregnant woman would have to go through.
I will definalty be there for those who were in my position. Actually a lot of my firends are pregnant now so thats exciting that were on the same page. Every woman should be treated special especially when there creating a little one inside of em:) This is definatly a time in a womans life to be spoiled so the baby can grow healthy and strong and happy inside ;) My friend Ashley is due in November and it was nice to be able to spend time with her and share our pregnancy stories together.
It's an amazing feeling and crazy to think about what is going inside your body! I didnt really feel like I was MORE emotional. But I am a senstive woman and I think so more now. I would get teary eyed over silly things like commericals or things that wouldnt bother me before. Being a single pregnant woman I would feel really lonely most times and HATE seeing couples....I know thats kind of bad. But I didnt like to see kids either. HA like when there crying in the stores or something I was like UGH!
Anyway, I love holding my nephew though and each time I do I picture holding my own son. And I can't wait!!! I get really nervous about being a good mom and teaching him what I need to. Its funny how babies will just stare at a picture of Christ! I really do believe they can remember where they just came from and the veil hasnt been completely lifted :) Maybe thats why we can't remember anything either. Jk I think there is something so special about infants and how innocent they are.
I Love and respect my momma so much more for everything she went through and she DID it! And thank her and my dad for all the help and support :( I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!! They keep me up and going. I want to give up so many times not sure if its satan or what but I feel like I can't do this sometimes. But I know that I can.
My family and friends have been great support and I want to thank you all for it!! Here are a few pictures I took. Now mind you I am 8 months pregnant not sure how great you can look and having a photographer like my mom It was very difficult to get any good pictures. Cuz I was talking her through the picutre so I wasnt smiling in a lot of them :) ha anyway, I am glad that I got some though of him in there.
Today, on the way to work I felt a sense of peace I guess you could say that I was suppose to go through this. Up until now I didnt think I was living my life the way it was suppose to be and it depressed the crap out of me cuz all I wanted and wished for was to rewind time change things for the better. I was suppose to find my true love someone who was compatable with me. I mean I did keep those boys away for so long growing up I knew there was better out there. I really wanted someone special and didnt care for dating or the whole boy scene until college. Anyway we were to get married in the temple have successful jobs and A beautiful Family :) Granted I have sinned and made some mistakes but as far as being where I "should" be I think it really is where I am now.
Of course our father in heaven doesn't want us to go through any of these trials and only if we were all perfect we wouldn't need to. But I personally feel that each one of us goes through what we need to for us to have a better understanding of this plan and life and to return to our Heavenly Father as smarter beings greater faith :)
What has always been the hard part to accept is that I know better I do have a testimony of life and God and yet I chose certain things to put me here! But let me tell you people I would not of been who I am today. Not that I judged people and thought less of them but I did judge myself according to their acts and always thought. HOW COULD THEY DO THAT!? I WOULD NEVER!!! Key word NEVER. :( ha and look at me today:) I have a bigger heart for people in certain positions and can understand why people do things they do or atleast love them regardless. Now that I have experienced what I have I can be a tool for others and help them out maybe help them look at the bigger picture. Or they may have to go through it themselves to understand but I will be there as a friend. Anyway, it feels good to finally accept me for me as of the person i am today. And to know that I am not perfect and no one is and that I am aware of what I need to do for the future. I may fall even more but its a continous lesson learned this life and I am grateful for it. I would of been those souls up there telling my father no you dont have to test me I promise I would follow you to a T. I wouldn't do that!!! Well, thats why he sent me here:) I love this little guy in my stomach and I know he would be a blessing to anyone if I chose to adopt him out. I really feel that I can teach him all that I know and be a good mother:) As far as the father goes. I think you will be happy to look into the eyes of the man that really loves and cares for you and wants nothing more but for you Michael to be happy. WOW! alright didnt think i was gonna be writing all of this..But here it is :) I have always kept a journal and I am glad to be introduced to this blog thing cuz I can put pictures and type faster than write so I might get a little personal as the blogs go by but its ok. Until next time.
5 comments:
WOW Aftan. since the day ive known you. and all this time knowing you. NEVER have i seen you grow or accept as much as you have now. you sound so strong mature and FINALLY accept who you are! your too hard on yourself sometimes ive always told you that. you do a good job in everything you do. but you never are satisfied with what you acomplish because you only look at your flaws. but flaws are needed to learn to make us better and more understanding people. cuz its those who can help others better and like you said UNDERSTAND them. I really dont know how to say it but its like youve grown? im glad to know you and know the woman you have become and continue to be.
now about that comment of adoption im sorry not going to happen. you will have to kill me.
and this "In a way I dont want you to come out and I will miss you!" never thought id hear you say that haha, but i thought about it and i bet you will. its like you wont have something kicking you. when i hug you and fell him kick through your stomach and into mine i get a sample of what you feel 24-7 and i like it and how it will just stop after birth i can see howd you will miss him. but you wont even think about it much cuz you will be so into him when you see him and hold him and help him. i think. anyway you have done a GREAT job being prego. and i know youll do just as good after he is born. go easy on yourself lady!
You are never alone. I don't think God tempts us to see us fall, but to help us grow and learn from our mistakes. Watching you this past nine months learn from your past problems, grow up and realize who people really are and where you want to be...I don't think that is a mistake. No, I think it was His way of helping you appreciate what you already have. To bring you closer to Him, to those that love you, and help you see things more clearly.
As for adoption, sometimes it is the best response. I know you and I have talked about this at length...some people have trials and theirs are dealing with infertility. It is still a huge blessing to be selfless enough to give a gift such as a baby. I don't think you should ever let anyone make that decision for you, it's personal and complete. It's something I think you thought about but decided not to for a special reason. You never let outside influence make your decisions and I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful that is this day and age. To stick to your guns even when you feel you've made a mistake. Well sin comes with a price, we all learn it the hard way. But the price and the trials when you come out from it...it's comfort and knowledge and depth that others can never find.
You know why you are here Aftan. You've been growing so much both emotionally, spiritually and with Michael I can't help but think you are on a track to get those blessings you want. Meeting a man, going to the temple, having your family in a home of your own and having the blessings of living the way you want to. Being scared, that's normal. Wondering how to do it? That's the hard part. There is someone out there who will see your past just as you do, a growing experience. Will it be easy? Haha, no. When you are at the Temple, it makes it all worth it though. All the frustration, anger, despair, hurt...it is worth it in the end. Plus, I like to think the man in your future will not only be a wonderful husband to you, but a great father to Michael as well. Does that cut his biological father out, no...I think after reading Jay's response...he wants what is best for both of you as well. Being a parent and allowing someone else to find their happiness, that can be a trial too. There are men out there who will give both Michael and you a home, with unconditional love and support. Don't give up on Him, and he will bless your life.
I can't wait to see you, and your new little one! You are special Aftan, and enjoy your time off work waiting for Michael. It's getting close, and it's always awesome isn't it? Being a parent isn't easy but you'll see it's worth it. But your friends, your family and your Church...all of us are here for you! Let me know if you need anything, I have some wonderful recipes that were brought to me each time I had one of the kids...and I can't wait to give them to you :]
Take care of you, and stay close to the spirit. When you hold Michael that first time...you'll feel the spirit, and those are the most wonderful special whispers in your heart you will ever have. (And if you plan on giving him his birth story, plan on writing it in the hospital, before you leave. You'll never regret taking ten minutes while he's sleeping to give him that gift!)
Thinking of you, and sending my prayers for your health and happiness! I am so blessed to know you, to hear your testimony, to see your faith and fear. It's life Aftan. When I first met you, I wondered why God would send you into my life...now, I know why. Learn from your past, live your life and do whatever is best for you and your son.
My Lover!
I am so excited for you and I can't wait to share our boys lives together!
We will learn how to be the best moms together!
We love you!
Aftan, you are an amazing lady! I appreciate and respect everything you are saying in this post. I know how much having a baby changes everything.
You are way too hard on yourself! Try to not think so much of what you "should" be doing. I have learned that it just makes you feel worse. Just be happy for today, and do the best you can with what you have been given. If you ever need anything let me know, I am here for you. :) I went through a lot of the things you are talking about in your post. My heart aches for you, but I am also happy for you at the same time. :)
Aftan, you have always been mature. You have always had a soft heart. In life you have no choice but to grow, it's those that don't accept and grow that get stuck repeating the same lessons and get left behind when the rest of us move on. You are a brilliant woman. That is what you need to know. Sometimes you defeat yourself by not knowing what you are worth and what you deserve...
You deserve a man that will apreciate you and spoil you the way you want. You are worthy of a man that will grow with you and share all these life experiences with you, standing strong by your side and most importantly be honest. You deserve respect. You are going to be a wonderful mother because you are already a wonderful woman.
I remember when I was a first time mom. It's kind of a rude awakening. I remember saying that my daughter wasn't going to be one of those kids that never had her hair done. I wouldn't be one of those mom's that used my shirt to wipe my kids nose... my kids will NEVER have a diaper rash. I wouldn't do this and that... guess what - Nikelle wore her sleepers 24-7. I used my shirt to wipe her nose when she was sick and we were in a store. I had Alex so fast after, she rarely had her hair done and now I was caring for another baby too. They have all had their share of diaper rashes. They have all fallen of couches and beds. They have all been to the ER for this or that. It's important to understand that you are not going to be perfect. To be a mother is to truly know guilt and feel like you are never doing good enough. What is most important is that you put your arms around your baby and show him love. Don't hold yourself to a crazy high standard that you can't meet.
Love you and you know you have an AWESOME family that will be with you forever.
Post a Comment